Breathe

Breathe in

Why are you looking at me like that?

Oh, I thought there was something wrong with me.

Breathe out.

Breathe in

Why are you looking at me like that?

Oh, you think I’m pretty.  Yeah right.

Breathe out.

Breathe in

Why are you looking at me like that?

A hug?  I guess there’s nothing wrong with that.

Breathe out.

Breathe in

Why are you looking at me like that?

Kiss me? Why would you want to do that?

Breathe out.

Breathe in.

Why are you looking at me like that?

You want to put your hand where?  

Breathe out.

Breathe in

Why are you looking at me like that?

You want me to do what?  

Breathe out.

Breathe in

Why are you looking at me like that?

I don’t like that. 

Breathe out.

Breathe in.

Why are you looking at me like that?

I want you to stop.

Breathe out.

Breathe in.

Why are you looking at me like that?

Get off.  You are hurting me.

Breathe out.

Breathe in.

Buried Alive (A True Story)

One evening, Betsy and I went to the Honch, an area filled with bars and nightlife outside of the Yokosuka base. We decided to go to New Tokyo, a bar that is frequented by many sailors.  I ordered an Amaretto Sour, my favorite drink.  Betsy was a month shy of turning 20 so I didn’t see what the big deal was.  So, I bought her a Strawberry Daiquiri, which has barely any alcohol.  Once we both had drinks, we had a great time just hanging out and talking about work.

Suddenly a couple of stools opened up at the bar.  We rushed to grab them before anyone else did.  As we were sitting at the bar, an older Filipino guy was standing close to us.  He said that he needed a straw so I grabbed one from the bar for him.   While Betsy and I were talking about work-related things, the guy was still lingering around.  I didn’t think anything of it.  As I began to space out while listening to a song, Betsy grabbed my arm.  I asked, “What is it?”  Betsy says, “That guy just grabbed my butt.”  I was shocked and didn’t know what to do.  "Just ignore him."  

We carried on with our conversation, trying to not let this ass freak us out.  A few moments later, I saw the guy grab her butt.  Then I snapped.  “Dude, what is your problem?”  He looked visibly drunk.  “I’m sorry, I won’t do it again.”  He was slurring his words too.  His reply wasn’t good enough for me.   I decided to add some heat.  “Let me see your i.d. card.”  Surprisingly, he pulled a wallet from the back of his pants pocket, and then handed his i.d. card to me.  I looked for a rank and a name.  Once I found what I was looking for, I was really shocked with what I saw. I passed the I.D. card to Betsy.  "You're an E-6?" I asked the guy.  Both Betsy and I were E-3s.   The guy nodded.  "Where do you work at?”  The guy tells us that he works in Supply Department, which is one of the biggest departments on the ship.  Even though there are 5000+ people on the ship, I didn’t think it would be that hard to track him down.  

I gave him his I.D. card back, hoping that would be the hint to leave us alone.  Betsy and I tried to forget about all of this and have a good time, but the guy was still lingering around.  “Brooke, he grabbed my butt again.”  I was super pissed, but felt helpless.  

I found one of my guy friends, David, that was also in the bar.  "Hey Brooke, what's up?"  "Hey, can you come over here and tell this guy to leave us alone?  He won't stop grabbing Betsy's butt.  He's pretty drunk too."  David walked with me over to where the guy and Betsy was sitting at the bar.  "Hey man, you gotta go." David says to the guy.  "I'm fine, I'm not doing anything wrong."  I interjected.  "Dude, you keep grabbing my friend's ass.  That's not cool at all.  You're drunk.  You keep slurring your words. You're an E-6 and you should know better." "If you don't leave right now, I'm going to get Shore Patrol to come in here." David said.  The guy didn't want Security to get involved so he left.  I bought David a drink for helping us out.

I asked Betsy if she wanted to talk to Security about what happened.  She was afraid to report the incident because an incident that she had reported before was swept under the rug.  I also shared the same experience and result, but I strongly felt that the guy couldn’t get away with this.  Besides, we had witnesses.  I told her to at least think about reporting it.  

Monday morning, I asked Betsy if she wanted to go to Security to report what had happened.  She still wasn’t sure.  I talked her into it, telling her that I would go with her.  I also told my superiors what had happened.  The only thing that I wasn’t sure of was the guy’s name or which division he worked at on the ship.  I described what I knew of him to one of my supervisors.  He had an idea of whom I was talking about, but wanted to be sure.  My supervisor and I went for a walk, going through every Supply Department workspace until I saw a face that looked familiar.  I said to my supervisor “That’s him”.  He was in his utility uniform, with his rank displaying on the left arm and his last name sewn on his chest.  Delacruz.  I got a name.  That was all I needed.

Betsy and I went to Security to give them our statements.  This was a very lengthy process, as they wanted to know of every detail of that night—Where we went, who we were with, what we did, if we had any alcohol.  I didn’t think it would matter so I told him that Betsy didn’t have any alcohol.  Why?  Because not only would she get in trouble for underage drinking, I would also get in trouble for giving it to her.  I didn’t think there was a way for them to find out.  Besides, we were reporting an incident.  The Security people got the information they needed, then let us go.

The next day, my Chief got a phone call from Security.  They wanted to see me again.  Just me.  I thought, dammit, I’m in trouble.  When I reached the office, a superior wanted me to go into a smaller office.  He asks me again if my friend had anything to drink.  With a little hesitation, I told the truth—she only had one drink.  He tells me that they visited the bar, and the bartender told them that my friend had a a drink that night.  He says that I could have gotten into trouble for lying in a statement, but since I told the truth, he let it go.  The Security guy also tells me that the Filipino guy denied what had happened.  I explained to him that the guy was drunk, he was stumbling all over the place.  The Security guy tells me that the bartender told him that the guy was perfectly sober.  The bartender is Filipino, it makes sense.  I told the Security guy that we were telling the truth about what had happened that night, and that we had witnesses.  The Security guy dismisses me, telling me that the investigation was still underway.  

“Get your blues ready”, my Chief tells me.  “Because you contributed alcohol to a minor, we are forced to send you to Discipline Review Board, but it probably won’t go any further than that.”  This is such bullshit.  All I did was try to help a friend, and this is how I’m repaid?  I didn’t understand.  Betsy also had to go to the Discipline Review Board as she was being charged for drinking underage.  I was scared that I would have to go to Mast, maybe get put on restriction.  Since my friend and I were going through so much crap, I really hoped that guy would get his.  

Betsy and I waited outside of the board room, at parade-rest.  We were waiting for our names to be called to enter.  The Discipline Review Board consisted of every Chief in our Department.  My two Chiefs would be in there.  “SN Carman.”  My heart was pounding as I marched into room, making my corners as sharp as possible.  “Please, sit down.”  Each Chief asked me whatever question they wanted to ask—Did you know that your friend was underage?  A couple of Chiefs in the room were really hard on me, but my Chief stood up for me.  “SN Carman and SN Moore were out having fun, doing what every 19 and 20 year old person does.  It is not their fault that some guy decided to sexually assault SN Moore.  SN Carman did the right thing by reporting the incident to Security.”  After a few more questions, I was excused.  I was so glad that my Chief stood up for me.  I knew that he really cared.

The next day, I had to attend Delacruz’s Discipline Review Board as a witness.  I had to face a Master Chief and two Senior Chiefs.  They asked me a few questions regarding that night, and I told them the truth.  As I answered every question, the Chiefs looked like they were in disbelief.  Then, I was excused.  “Get your blues ready,” my Chief tells me.  “You have to go to XOI in 30 minutes.”  Oh my God.  I can’t believe that this is moving forward.  “We tried to keep this at Department level, but the Executive Officer demanded to see you.”  With that, I went to the TV Studio to change into my blues.  I walked down the three levels of steep metal steps to reach the Executive Officer’s office.  I saw Betsy standing, waiting.  We both couldn’t believe all of this was happening.  I also saw Delacruz standing outside.  A Master-At-Arms came from the Executive Officer’s office and ordered us to stand at attention.  I hate standing at attention.  I stared at the dried paint on the wall.  Whoever painted this wall did a shitty job.  There were a lot places where the paint dried as it was running.  I could hear Eminem blasting from the Executive Officer’s office.  This wasn’t good.  According to Smoke Deck talk, the Executive Officer liked listening to Eminem before an XOI because it gets him pumped up.  We were doomed.  

After a lifetime of standing, we were called to enter—Delacruz, Betsy, and myself.  We stood at attention as the Executive Officer spoke to us.  The XO sounded like a broken record, asking us the same questions that were asked before. Surprisingly, he was not that hard on Betsy and I.  He was more concerned with why we didn’t report the incident right after it happened.  The XO was really hard on Delacruz, telling him that he should know better because he’s an E-6.  With that, the XO tells us that he is moving this case to Captain’s Mast.  As soon as the XO dismissed us, I went straight to the smoke deck.  I chain-smoked three cigarettes.  I had never been to Captain’s Mast before.  Goodbye Good Conduct Ribbon.  Goodbye Advancement exam.  I was fucked.

A week later, Betsy and I stood outside of the Captain’s Office.  People kept walking by us, seeing that we were standing at attention.  “Carman, what are you going to Mast for?”  I was asked many times. “Contributing alcohol to a minor.”  Most people didn’t think this was that big of a deal.  “Carman, Moore”.  We walked inside the CO’s office, standing right in front of the CO, who was behind a podium.  I could see my chain of command standing to the right, facing me.  The CO asked me the same questions as before.  “Yes, Sir.”  “No, Sir.”  “Yes, Sir.” “No, Sir.”  The CO saw this as being an unfortunate incident and let it go.  Betsy and I just got administrative letters put into our service record.  Sadly, Delacruz just got a suspended bust to an E5 for 6 months.  I thought he should have gone down a couple of ranks for what he did.  But, what else could I do.

Try Something New, You Only Live Once

For some reason, people are afraid of trying new things—whether it is trying new foods, a new hairstyle, listening to new music, going somewhere new, doing something entirely new apart from the usual habit, etc…the possibilities are endless.  Why are most people afraid of trying something new?  Afraid of change?  Afraid of the negative impacts?  Afraid of what other people might think?  Are they afraid that they might actually like it?

I used to be afraid of trying new things.  Why?..Because I liked to stay close to home, stick to what was familiar to me.  While I was living in Japan, for awhile, I stayed away from sushi because the idea of eating raw fish was never appealing to me.  After much pressure, I decided to try it..you only live once, right?!  I started off easy with a cucumber roll, it’s only seaweed wrapped around rice with a thin strip of cucumber in the center.  That wasn’t bad at all.  Then, I experimented with raw fish—salmon.  At first, it was kind of weird but I already had it set in my mind that I wouldn’t like it.  It took another trip to the sushi joint to get me to appreciate, then LOVE, sushi.  Now, anytime I can get ahold of some sushi, it’s a real treat to me.  

In the end, you’ll never know you’ll like something unless you try it.  It’s okay to try new things, you might discover your new favorite.  Even if you don’t like whatever it is that you are trying, at least you can say that you tried it…and then try something else.

Waiting Room

Waiting Room—When most people hear these two words used together, they automatically think of waiting to see a doctor or sitting at a hospital.  Every one anticipates hearing bad news, but hope to receive good news.  Magazines are flipped through, cellphones are played with, and conversations with random people take place to make the wait a little easier.  

Have you ever thought of the Earth being one big, giant waiting room?  Time spent waiting in a room with four walls is just like our time spent here on Earth…the wait is only temporary.  We fill our lives with people, activities, jobs, etc. so that our time is more productive as we wait.  So when our name is Called, we hope to gain a ticket into Heaven.  

Train to Kofu (a true story)

        After a six-month deployment to the Arabian Gulf, I was ready for my first visit to Tokyo.  I had never been on a train in Japan, so I asked Sarah to join me.  Sarah had been living in Japan longer than me, so she knew the train system pretty well.

For the most part of the day, we walked around Shinjuku and Shibuya districts.  I was amazed with the many bright neon signs and how busy everyone looked.  We stopped at some jewelry stands, which also carried fake designer handbags.  Of course, I didn’t know any different because I didn’t even know what Louis Vuitton was.  

While Sarah and I were browsing at rings and necklaces, a long-haired Israeli guy approached me and asked if I could do a favor for him.  I was a little curious, so I asked him what the favor was.  He dared me to meet his friend around the corner and kiss him on the cheek.  I laughed at him and said “No way!”  Sarah overheard the task, and then talked me into doing it.  I caved in to the pressure and told the Israeli guy that I would act on his dare.  After he pointed to his friend, I strolled over to where the buddy was standing.  I tapped his shoulder and briefly said hello.  He looked a bit surprised and then said hello back.  I told him that his friend wanted me to give him something.  With that, I quickly kissed him on the cheek and rushed away.  I yelled to Sarah to hurry up because she was still standing in disbelief of what had just happened.  Once Sarah caught up to me, we disappeared into the masses of people walking around.  

It was getting late.  I thought it would be best for us to head back to Yokosuka.  I had to work the next morning, and I wanted to have enough sleep.  After about ten minutes on the train, Sarah wanted to get off and use the restroom.  I was a little irritated, but I followed her wishes anyway.

I sat outside, watching the trains pass by, as I waited for Sarah to come out of the restroom.  After ten minutes passed, I went to go check on her.  When I opened the door, I saw Sarah talking with a Japanese girl.  I asked Sarah if she was ok.  Sarah told me that she wanted to hang out the girl and stay out longer.  My feelings were hurt but I understood that she wanted to stay behind. Sarah didn’t have to work the next morning like I did. 

I hopped on the first train that stopped and headed back to Yokosuka, so I thought.  I wasn’t familiar with any of the names of towns that we passed.  I was not sure if I was going the right way.  

After an hour, the train stopped at its last destination.  I was very disoriented with where I was.  I walked up to a train employee and asked him where I was.  He didn’t understand what I was saying.  Luckily, a group of Japanese teens that were nearby understood what I was saying.  All of a sudden, one of the guys in the group volunteered to translate for me.  I asked the guy where I was.  The guy spoke Japanese to the train employee, then the train employee pointed to a spot on the map.  Kofu.  Kofu?  Where is Kofu?  I asked where Yokosuka was.  More Japanese was spoken between my translator and the train employee.  The train employee placed another finger on Yokosuka.  Yokosuka looked really far away from Kofu.  I also found out that Yokosuka is five hours away from Kofu.  I asked when the next train will come.  The guy explained to me that the train closed at midnight, and will not run again until 5 a. m.  I didn’t know what I would do in the mean time.  My translator offered me to go with them to climb Mount Fuji, which was very close by.  Although I was very tempted to go with them, I decided that it wouldn’t be the best idea.  I had a train to catch.

At that point, I sat down and started to panic.  As I was crying, I thought of how I was gong to get back to Yokosuka.  I also thought what I would tell my superiors, if I ever saw them again.  Then, I thought of what I would do for five hours while waiting for the first train.  

        A Japanese girl, Kayo, witnessed my confusion.  Kayo was at the train station to pick up her little sister.  She asked me if I would like to stay with her.  Oh my god, she speaks English.  I was a little wary at first, but I knew it would probably be safer than sticking around in a foreign train station.

When I got to Kayo’s house, I was asked to place my shoes at the door.  I walked inside and immediately noticed the Tami mats on the floor.  Everything in the living room looked simple.  There were cushions on the floor for seating, and a miniature table placed in the middle.  It was unlike anything I had ever seen.

Once I reached Kayo’s room, I was also blown away with how her room was decorated.  Kayo's room looked like a typical bedroom in America, only with a futon on the floor.  

        Kayo and I got to know each other better.  I explained where I was from in the United States, and what I did in the U.S. Navy.  Kayo spoke about her steady boyfriend and showed me some personal pictures of her and her family.  Kayo played a few Japanese pop songs that were popular at the time.  Although I could not understand the words in the songs, I thought the style and rhythms were pretty catchy.

Kayo’s mom brought us some Japanese bean cake and hot green tea.  I had never tried such a snack before, but the bean cake was very tasty.  

        After we ate, Kayo showed me where the bathroom was so I could take a shower.  I was looking for a bathtub.  There was a small bathtub, but it was covered up with plastic.  Then, I saw a faucet right above the tiled floor.  There was a shower attachment connected to the faucet.  I noticed a small drain in the middle of the bathroom.  I asked Kayo if that’s where I took a shower.  She laughed and then nodded.  I was worried about the water messing up the bathroom, but I guess that’s another difference between Japan and USA.   Kayo also gave me some undergarments and pajamas to change into.  Once I finished with the shower, Kayo told me that I could sleep on her bed.  I was very impressed with her hospitality.

Kayo woke me up around 3 a. m. to take me back to the train station.  I saw that my clothes were folded very neatly.  Kayo had washed and dried the clothes that I had worn the day before while I was asleep.  

Once we reached the train station, Kayo gave me a handwritten map with directions showing me how to get back to Yokosuka.  She also helped me get my train tickets from the ticket machine.  I gave Kayo a big hug and thanked her for taking me into her home.  I was a little saddened that I might not ever see her again.

I followed Kayo’s directions and reached Yokosuka around 8 a. m.  I was only thirty minutes late to work.  When I told my superiors what had happened, they didn’t believe me because the story was so bizarre.  Luckily, I didn’t get in trouble.  

Sailor Sails

Sailor sails

From Place to Place.

Never gets too close

Because soon, he’ll have to leave again.

Sailor searches,

For a place to dock.

Once he gets near,

The dock pushes him away.

Sailor sails

From Place to Place

Never gets too close

Because soon, he’ll have to leave again.

Sailor searches, 

For a place to dock.

Once he gets near,

The dock pushes him away.

A Girl For Every Season

Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall

Who’s the cruelest of them all?

Winter is so frosty; 

she turns all things to ice.

Sketchy Spring doesn’t know 

whether to be mean or nice.

Sizzling Summer is so hot, 

she’ll tease you until you’re charred.

Until Fall steals you away, 

only to break your heart.

Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall

Who’s the cruelest of them all?

Trashed Culture

Gaga, Britney, Lindsay Lo,

Hand me a tissue.

Cock flew with the birds,

Moby Dick left on his motorcycle,

The Walrus took off on his Yellow Submarine 

I can’t stop weeping 

I write a list 

On a yellow post-it note

Of all the things that I miss

Of all the people that I miss

While you flash your snatches 

On CNN.

Go.

Go.

Go Away.

Leave Me Alone.

I Don’t Want You.

You Are Ruining My Life.

I Have Other Things To Do.

There Are People Who Care About Me.

There Are People Who Still Need Me Around.

There Are Things That I Still Need To Accomplish.

What Did I Do Wrong To Deserve This?

Do You Really Want Me To Go Away?

Leave Behind Everything That Ever Mattered?

I Don’t Want To Go.

Just Leave Me Alone.

Let Me Be.

Go Away.

Go.

Perky Cups

BEEPbeep, BEEPbeep, BEEPBeep, BEEPBeep….

..morning, already?!..Lola grumbles to herself as she slides across the plush queen-sized bed to slam the obnoxious alarm clock against the wall.  Please let today be easy for once, she sighs to herself.  Lola leans up to look outside of her window.  It is still pitch-black dark.  Lola lays her head back on her pillow, wanting to go back to sleep, but there was a long day of coffee-slinging calling her name.  Oh alright. Lola stumbles toward the bathroom, still half-asleep, hoping that a long, hot shower would wake her up.  

While waiting for the water to heat up, Lola grabs her pink toothbrush from the red coffee mug that was given to her from an old boyfriend.  Lola hates to be reminded of him, but that coffee cup has been everywhere with her—college, first apartment, and first house—so, she never threw the old thing away.  As Lola brushes her teeth, she makes a quick glance at the mirror.  Ugh…who would want to be with this girl? Lola says to herself.  With that thought, Lola hops into the shower.  

Lola sticks Led Zeppelin’s Physical Graffiti into the cd player for the 30-minute commute to Perky Cups.  As Kashmir blares through the speakers, Lola envisions her day being full of rude customers that don’t know the difference between a mocha and a latte.  Nevertheless, Lola was determined to have a great day as the sun was shining with all of its glory.  Today will be a good day. I know it.

Once Lola enters Perky Cups, her manager Cody calls her back into his office.  Cody is a laid-back kind of  a guy that’s not too much older than Lola.  Cody hooked Lola up with a barista position when Lola first moved into town.  Ever since, Lola comes in at least fifteen minutes early for work to help set up supplies.  

“Lola, I’m promoting you to become a manager.  You’ve done so well in the last six months and you’ve proved yourself that you are up to the task.  What do you say?”  

“Ummmmm, yes?”  Lola was unsure about her abilities, but if her boss thought she could do it, she would do her best.  

“Great, I’m going to hire someone new today that will take over your spot.  I will train you starting today as well.  I hope you’re ready.”  

Lola wondered who would take over her position.  Perky Cups hasn’t hired anyone ever since the old girl, Bridgette, was fired for stealing money out of the cash register.  Lola hopes that whoever is hired will be a valuable team player.  

As Lola waits for the new person to show, she gets into her daily routine of perfecting steam art on finished cups of lattes and mochas.  Her customers always tipped ever so graciously as they were amazed with Lola’s works of coffee art.  

Just then, a familiar face walks into Perky Cups.  “Blaine, what are you doing here?”  Blaine was Lola’s old boyfriend, who she hadn’t seen in three years.  “I’m here for a job.  Cody called me earlier and told me to start today.”  Oh great.  I’m going to have to quit.  “Well, Cody is in the back if you want to talk to him.”  Blaine heads toward the back. “Lola, you can pretend that you’re happy to see me.”  Lola rolls her eyes.  

Cody shows Blaine where everything is in Perky Cups, explaining how things are ran in the shop.  Lola sees Cody and Blaine coming her way.  “Lola, this is Blaine.” Cody says.  “You will be training him on how to run the cash register and make coffee.  I know you will train him well because you are the best at what you do.”  “Yes sir.  Come on Blaine, I’ll help you get started.”  Cody walks back to his office.

“Blaine, if you are going to work here, you are going to pretend that you don’t know me.  Got it?”  Blaine answers back sarcastically “Yes, boss”.  “I’ve been fine without you around.  It’s going to be difficult to work with you but I’m going to have to make it work because I need this job.”  “Don’t sweat it.”

Luckily, Blaine was a fast learner.  It only took an hour for Lola to show him how to prepare coffee the Perky Cups way.  Lola goes to the office to report to Cody.  “Ok Cody, Blaine is trained.  When do I start?”  

“Shut the door.”  Lola did as she was told and sat down in an empty chair.  Cody walks over to where Lola is seated and kneels down.  “Take off your shirt.”  This is coming from nowhere.  “What?”  Lola always thought Cody was a carefree boss.  He was always so nice to her.  “I said to take off your shirt!  If you really want to be a manager, you will do as I say.”  “Cody, I don’t understand why you’re being like this.”  “If you don’t take off your shirt, I will take it off for you.”  Lola reaches for the door, trying to escape, but Cody blocked the way.  “Lola, you are a beautiful girl.  I’ve wanted you since the first moment I hired you.  Why do you think Brigette was fired?”  “Didn’t she steal money from the cash register?”  “No, I fired her because she wasn’t being a good girl.  She could’ve kept her job if she’d let me get a piece of her.”  Cody comes closer to Lola.  Lola didn’t want to cause a commotion in the store as there were customers around but she had to so she could be free from this psycho.  As Cody reaches for Lola, Lola screamed for help.  “No one is going to believe you.”

The door opens.   It was Blaine.  Lola feels a little relief.    “Dude, what the hell are you doing with my girl?  Come on Lola, let’s get out of here.”  “I want to call the cops first.  I want to make sure nothing like this ever happens again.”  

Within ten minutes, the cops were at Perky Cups.  They got Lola’s statement, and then arrested Cody for sexual assault.  

“Blaine, thank you so much.  I don’t know what could have happened if you didn’t show up.”

“You know that girl Brigette?”

“Yeah.”

“She found me on Facebook and was worried that you were in danger.  So, I called Perky Cups and asked if there were any open positions.  I wanted to keep an eye on you.”

“Wow, I thought you were over me. “

“I just needed some time to be me.  I want to do the things that I want to do before I settle down.  I hope we can be friends for now and see where things go down the road.  Is that okay?”  

“That sounds good.  I need someone around to keep these psychos away from me.”   

Blaine laughs.  

“Well, you know where to find me.” Blaine says.  “Don’t be a stranger.”

Lola makes the 30 minute commute back to her house.  She pops in Disc 2 of Physical Graffiti and skips over to “Ten Years Gone”.  Lola hopes things will work out with Blaine, the only guy that has her heart.  Until then, Lola needs to find a new job that pays the bills.  

What a crazy day.